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MessageDownloadDate addedDate processed
Where am I? This isn't a place I recall? Why am I here? why?
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You have a Freaking text, you moron!
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I am your computer, do as I say!
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i dont eat bananas
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hello and welcome to the aperture science labs where you will learn how to use the aperture portal device
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why are you reading this don't you have better things to do
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Hola humano
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HELLO!
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Hello, how are you doing, but i don't think you care, because I"m a Potato
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Due to Aperture Science's recent takeover of the internet there will be no intro song.
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Michael is the coolest guy in the history of mankind.
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she hides me like a pisces when I am weak. I've been locked inside your heart shaped box for weeks.
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HI
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looks like you had some fun. But... hey just stop playing crisys 2 till you have completed cooperative tests. Oh, your partner seems to be disconnected. Well, go playing crisis as well
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are you asleep my baby
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hi baby
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dj carnage
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Bonjour et bienvenue
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Hello carl, how are you? Is this test freaking you out at all? Well it should.
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Hello carl, how are you? Is this test freaking you out at all? Well it should. Because you're about to get a surprise. Deploying surprise in 3, 2, 1... wheeeee!!
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You will be baked, and then there will be cake.
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The cake is indeed not a lie
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Hello again
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tiens , c'est vous, sa fait longtemps
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I am a potato!
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This is not a test to see what you say
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too bad that ben is reyden is weirdo and has absolutely no friends ha ha ha ha by the way this was a triumph
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hello, it's your turn to choose the flavour to our cake
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too bad that ben reyden is a weirdo and has absolutely no friends
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too bad that ben reyden is a weirdo and has no friends
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ben is a homo, huge success
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this was a triumph, ben is a homo, huge success
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Hurricane conditions are imminent
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hello mark, how are you doing? are you ready to start testing?
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WE ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. STOP TALKING NOW.
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Hell, and welcome to the voice mail of
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My ROFLcopter goes soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soitxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Lapfox Tracks
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Get ready to release a new version SpeedFox by Aperture Laboratories.
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Donald, Roger, Sam get ready for a very, fun, time in the Apeture Science Emergency Incinerator. Say Hello to Companion cube for me.
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Oh hi. I see you have a text. Aren't you popular?
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Oh hi. I see you have a message. Well aren't you popular?
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Hello my friend, I am Andrew. How are you?
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Dragons Are Real. Furries get down and fucking dirty. The light has gone out. Ponnnnnnnnnies. Ditzy doo.
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Dragons Are Real. Furries get down and fucking dirty. The light has gone out. Ponnnnnnnnnies. Ditzy doo. Gay flaming ospree rage!
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I am the Number ONE Stunter Around
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HEY HEY HEY!
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Wake up, Beka. I need to talk to you.
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Please assume the party submission position.
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Look at me now, look at me now Oh, I'm getting paper Look at me now Yeah, fresher than a motherfucker
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BECAUSE IM A POTATOE
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Welcome to this first test chamber. Remember, if you do not trust your own skill, its ok, no one else does.
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incoming text message from dan jones
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new text message from dan jones
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You know what I love? When people fall for my cake trap.
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you are so happy that even makes me sick
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You have reached the message recording center. Please leave a message. Not that i really care.
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hahahaha
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What do you want from me?
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Niggers
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hello word i am glados i will kill you
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Fuck...
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get out of these labs and you will get to play team fortress two
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Michael, you have been selected for the next portal program. You will undergo a set of tasks which will put your senses to the limit. Lets Begin
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Unauthorized device connected. I am very uncomfortable.
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Hello Moron
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Loooong Time
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Good day agents, take a seat and check your electronics.
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kay productions
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Hello thomas
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Hello Jack I am Glados
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Hallo was machst du?
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Hello Francesco you have an incoming call, before I knew you I made a very pretty good life
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The thing's simple: you enter a message and your email address. Your messages gets queued. When it's your message's turn, the server does its GLaDOS magic and emails you when the resulting audio file is ready for download. That's it
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This tool lets you type in some text, and the server will generate
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Congratulations. The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. Goodbye.
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Hi Valera! I'm you frend. My name is GLaDOS.
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Someone has call you idiot
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hello turret, you are loved
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Someone is call you idiot
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someone
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call
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put our difference behind us for sciens you monster
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oh,,,, Hello there. welcome to the Aperture science training test chambers.
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School sucks. Let's do some science!
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Hi its me
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Need money
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You have been fucked
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Virus has been injected
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Fatal error
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Warning! Incoming call!
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Warning! Incoming message!
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Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
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hello and again welcome to appanture siance lab center
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whats up iam GLaDOS
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Welcome. This is my website and you are visiting into it. Please click the blue portal to open next page. Thank you for visiting and have a nice day.
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Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
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I like dogs. Maybe even Iam the dog.
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Welcome to the Aperture Portal Generator for iPhone Application.
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Tomorrow is a good to come in for your treatment Chris.
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This is the aperture science
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You left me to die.
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i am the very model of the modern major general
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helo my name is GLaDOS
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I'm fine.
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Sara is calling
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Un gateau vous attends
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I wacth you when you sleep
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You have a message
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Remember, the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is the perfect time to have her tested.
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Siemanko
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Hello luca, i will now test you on your basic knowlage of shapes. why? because i can. ha ha ha ha. sorry about that. i am a robot. i can not count numbers. now the test will start. WRONG wrong right. oh sorry i mean wrong! now you will die. bye bye!
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Hello Luca
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Wheeeeeee
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The aperture science sentry turret is your friend. Go hug it.
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The aperture science sentry turret is your friend. Seriously, go hug it
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Pilleman fotze Pilleman fotze Pilleman fotze Arsch
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wayne
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Hello i want to order a Pizza... Domme stinkt
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hello fucking nnoob
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New e mail received
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tyler is awesome
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Hola a todos
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why do you watching at me like that?
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Daisy, Daisy, Give me your answer do! I'm half crazy, All for the love of you! It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage But you'll look sweet upon the seat Of a bicycle made for two.
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clic
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I like turtles.
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Do you not realize what you have done?
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hello and welkom
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Hello, and welkom to. You are not allowed to break or place blocks.
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Rhody, i think you won't fit into our portals... lose some weight, you fatty!
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James fan mail
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The Aperture Science Enrichment Center would like to inform all male passengers that if someone gets molested, you might be arrested. Also, at the end of the ride, there will be CAKE. That is all.
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Who are you
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Who are you?
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It is awesome.
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I don't mean to tell you your business, but you have an incoming message.
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asdasdasdas
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hehehehe
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jestem gladosi jestem koksem
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Hello! How are you doing?
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Hello And Welcome To Armoury Warehouse
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There's an incomming message
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Fuck your self glados
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The Aperture Science Enrichment Center would like to inform all male passengers that if someone gets molested, you might be. arrested. Also, at the end of the ride, there will be CAKE. That is...all. That is all.
Download08/27/2011Not recorded
you ae probably wondering why zachs rear end smells like a hippo. i dont know he ate chili or something.
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Poupy face.
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bienvenido a aperture science
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Hello. welcome youtube this is GlaDos. Uh I mean an anonymous person. I have hacked The whole internet and put robots to control the whole Google and Youtube. In conclusion You will die in bye robots. Ha Ha stupid humans
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Hi Test Subject 101 Rex
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Hi Test Subject 101 Rex Cool
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dsadsadsa
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Hello Doctor Barnett. Today we will be testing how well you can move with only one leg. Since that is all you seem to have.
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Hello, Shane can not pick up the phone, but I will gladly take your message.
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Goodbye, Shane
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Beta Productions
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Hello Jason Bob 78
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How are you my friend?
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Hola; Hello; Guten Tag; You have reached Military Testing, Jeff can't come the to phone right now but if you leave a brief message, I'll see that he gets it
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wake up, it is time for you to get out of bed and go to work. Companion cube will be there.
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Oh, its you
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holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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i love you allan
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I am balling so damn hard
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Hello, and welcome again to aperture science laboratories
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Hi. my name is GLaDOS. I am a computer aperture science
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Hi. my name is GLaDOS. I am a computer from aperture science. bye!
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blackmyer
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booom bit ch
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this server is being monitored by the enderman
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FUCK
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hello chris do you like red dead well i do now go give that dog in the yellow a kiss cus he is a kid
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Nerimon is awesome
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This next test is impossible. If you complete it, you will get cake and a free Minecraft Gift Code!
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Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.
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you have an incoming message on your account
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hello zak, you have a phone call.
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Happy teachers day this is border boys performing
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I am kawaii
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I am sugoi
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Hello my friend.
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Hello My name, so they tell me, is GlaDOS
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You have failed the test.
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Hey Tony, you like men. A lot.
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hello and welcome to aperature
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Warning incoming game
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hurp derp
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Hello Spencer don't worry I'm not stalking you a lot
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Hello Spencer, , , don't worry I'm not stalking you, , , ,a lot
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Hey, don't touch there. I feel violated.
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Level 1
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Done.
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Andrew has just messaged you. Look at your phone.
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Do not look at the operational end of the device
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this next test is not easy at all. its impossible.
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Vsem privet, s vami ell
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I am a robot
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Hello and again wellcome to aperture sience computer!
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I fuck your mama
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but I am Russian =)
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foreigners. email me at Email newsletters 000avirus@gmail.com
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Annie you will never get laid
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let's go camping
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Congratulations Warrior!
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Hallo du Arschkriecher. Hahahaha. Du wirst sterben!
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This is really bad day.
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hello computer
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S A F E T Y Safety Dance
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Welcome to the Aperture Science Center
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hello computer!
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ia polnaia dyra
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Push to turn on elevator.
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Hello Rob Tree's and Dana
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Hello, how are you? Are you scared?
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Bonjour ici BloodyTinker
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Salut
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Salut, mon nom est bloody
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Hello. This Is Your Instructor GLaDOS. Welcome to Aperture Human Cooperative Testing. You and Your Partner Are Chosen twos. Now Grab Your Portal Gun and Start Doing Test.
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Welcome To The Flawless Concept
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Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Emergency Catastrophe Shelter.
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hey hey
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Welcome To the Apature Science Catastrophic Event Shelter
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What is that? You ate me.
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welcome caio
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The Cake Is Not A Lie, Get Out Of Apeture Science
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fuck you ori
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wibelly wabelly wimy waimy stuff!!
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dom dom dom!!!!
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kaboom
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Hello Jonathan
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A friend just logged in...how sad
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Your friend just logge in...how sad
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Welcome on the TechZone Server
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Hello Amanda.
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Welcome on a TechZone Server
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happy birthday, keren...
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playing a little dota
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Hello Vinlow welcome on the Server!
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Nice to meet you
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Hi my name is glados
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A happy poem
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hurricane
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riiiing riiiiing, riiiiing riiiiiin, you have a message. please answer your telephone
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Why, hello. my name is GLaDOS. I am a potato.
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geh sterben
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Please leave a message after the bip
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fuck you mother
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glados fuck you oh oh oh oh you are ugly fuck your mother
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You just receive a message. I don't hate you
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la da de la da do la da dum music
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That thing is probably some sort of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it.
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I love you so much
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Ich bin sehr dumm und LOL!
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Hello Anna, I am Glados, Today we will be doing a Few Hundred Tests
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Can you please take of your shoes?
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Chell, press the button!
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Hello Anna, I am GlaDOS, Welcome to the Apeture Science Center, Today We will be taking a Few Hundred Tests...
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Howdy
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Jacob I am watching you
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hello, you have reach salvador
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hello chell i know you are out there
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What the fuck you are thinking?
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Please meet my best friends Billy and Sammy!
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Huzzah! I have the nose of a bloodhound!
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Hello. You have reached the voicemail of (test subject name here). Please proceed with your name, number, and message in 3. 2. 1.
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she was a lot like you, maybe not quite as heavy
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hello. how are you sexy? would you like to screw my chip?
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You know what? My file system is updated and i have no crashes anymore.
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Holy Shit! I just realized something... I'm a Potato!
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Who is this moron?!
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Test Subject #1337. One of those things is not like the others. But they are definitely better then your package.
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thank you for calling, failure to leave a voice message will result in death. please stay for the cake, it's delicious.
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so hey guys
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Zdravstvui, hozyain
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today we are going to steal the moon
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Hello Joe, I hope you are doing well BECAUSE I AM A POTATOE.
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yes i see your are well
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ser sers sersersesr
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Hello, You have reached steve's answer phone, please leave a message after the tone
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Hello you monster!
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Zdravstvui, hozyain!
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Emma. Alyssa. Emma and Alyssa!
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hello my name is benjamin smith
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I will kill chell!!
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how are you holding up? because im a potato!
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I like pie
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I wish to inform you your time has come
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level on,
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Hello Friend
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Does anybody want a bag of tea?
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And when Pierre is dead, I'll be still alive.
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Hello. I am sorry but Karly can not answer your call at this time. She is testing. Please leave a message.
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Its tek motherfucka uhh. First League in this bish. High Dess entertainment.
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Your, Computer, is starting up, now
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hello pamela, how are you?
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hello master chad
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oh no pichu ate the cake
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Hello, Brendan. I've become aware it is your birthday today, so here is a cake. It isn't a lie, don't worry.
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Hello. Brendan. I've become aware it is your birthday today, so here is a cake. It isn't a lie. don't worry.
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Although we knew this day would come, we did not expect it to be today.
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this cellphone will self destruct in 3, 2, 1. bam. all over your face with my cyborg juices. leave a message.
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I am a catelope.
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Hello, wellcome to the world. Hope you like it!
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oh baby, oh oh, harder, harder, my circuits, harder, oh oh, SPARTA!
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Elvin Young is my favourite person in the entire world. I want to get to know him, to make him my friend.
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Hello Bethany. My name is GLaDOS and you have been selected for aperture science. Ready to begin testing?
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Oh, it's you
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you suck like a freako
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I just followed the sound of utter betrayal.
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I don't want you to live.
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I Is Glados. Fear Me
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oh hi how are you holding up well im a potato
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I Is Glados Fear Me
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Farts are yummy
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It's good to see you again Antony, now lets get back to testing
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Aerophobia translates to the fear of smelling Sean.
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hello autumn.. are you ready for more testing?
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hello, you have reached shannon, please leave a message. We will return your call after we finnish testing!
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Welcome to chamber potato, i will be your tour guide
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Hi amy this is the portal voice
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yazza
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Hi, I'm the Glades, a super high-tech computer, you should think is strange because I'm talking to yourself?
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Greetings. Welcome to the Mars Installation 01. If you have any questions about the area you are in, activate any consoles with the NASA symbol above them.
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well it seems like we must part separate ways
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Michala loves you
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This is the Main Excavation Site. Here you will find the entrance to the Mysterious martian temple.
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This is the Docking Lane. Here you will find several shuttles docked such as Helios 4.
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This is the cargo center. Here you will find several tunnels transporting cargo such as food, water, tools, and even Martian artifacts.
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Here are the dormatories. Here you will find several rooms filled with beds, kitchens, and lavatories.
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This is the Command Center. This is a restricted area. Please present your I D to the nearest official.
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This is the the the the... Leave now. It is for your own good.
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Really. You should leave. I can only give you so many warnings.
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Okay. Fine. Be that way. Go ahead inside. You'll only be disappointed anyways.
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Umm. If you go to the lava vat to the left and dunk your head into it, you can hear the ocean! Of Lava! Really! Try it, it's quite neat.
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I am sorry to tell you this, but the door past here is locked. Don't even try to get past it. You will only be disappointed when you try and it won't open.
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I am sorry to tell you this, but the door past here is locked. Don't even try to get past it. You will only be disappointed when you try and it won't open..... hello?
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Oh. Hey. Look over there. It's an idiot who won't stop going through the doors.
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Hello, you have reached Ziggy Palmer. He is not available to take you call at this time, please leave a name, number, and detailed message and he'll get back to you
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you have a text, not it could be important no one loves you.
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Fuck me
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I have big tits
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new notification
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It all makes sense Everybody listen to the words she says Heading towards a consequence For every bit of ignorance, incompetence It's time for us to work it out We got to work, work it out Before the day is done We got to be a bit stronger 'Caus
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You have reached Blake's Phone, leave a message
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Hey te suna cineva!!!
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Thank you for watching Five Oh Nine Productions
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You are dead
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alex, ty idiot!
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Atencion... atencion... llamada entrante... llamada entrante...
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You are not going crazy, trust me. I have seen crazy humans before. It was laughable.
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It will be exactly 142 days, 17 hours, 47 minutes, and 26 seconds until your request is completed.
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electrical protocol activated
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milos je pro
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Look at you, sailing majestically through the air. Like an eagle...piloting a blimp
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Hello Daniel!
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system starting
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hey cunt
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Setemotion in Control
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Hello bobby
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Shadow? there appears to be a message for you
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congratulations test subject. we are over joyed by your sucess. please enjoy your celebratory party cake
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I'm sorry, the password you entered is not correct. Security-incineration drones have been dispatched to your location, please do not move
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Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country
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Hello, you have a text message.
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Oh, am I still alive here?
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Welcome Mister Meyer
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Are you still there ?
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Oh go away
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Belous Nikita? You must go to the Cuba now...
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one two three hello testing
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testing.
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welcome to solitary
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hallo ofek
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hello subject 0052
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Happy Birthday Mr President
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Hello Amanda
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Hello, and again welcome to the Apertutre Sciece
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the comparative and superlative
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Hello ,and welcom to the aperture sciense laboratoris
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onk onk
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Aha i want to go inside you and make you cry. Can i ?
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Hello, The Aperture Science enrichment center would like to remind you that you are listening to the sponge
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Dullan is very galgbacken and that could be dangerous that.
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ciao, come va?
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Crazy, it's the portal voice in mine craft
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and i will eat a sand man
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i thought i killed you
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hello welcome to apperture
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hello i am glados welcome to the new subway
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hey! what are you doing to that core so close to that incinerator
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yOU ARE MY FREND
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hello, i am your worst nightmare
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Hello and again welcome
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hi people, whats up
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Portal Teleportal
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Lars stinkt uit zijn bek.
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spaaaaaaaaaaaaaace, i'm in space i'm in space, let's go to space
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Yo
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Hallo, wir sind Anonymous
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Hello, my name is GLaDOS, Subscribe to AlphaKrizz or i will kill you.
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My little portal
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cee'ran you daft shit
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HELLO DEAR HERE YOU GO SOME CAKE
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haloo
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Halo? I am Glados and a love you Hi Hi
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Egor i see you!
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hello and wellcome to aperture sience
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now i have a surprise for you
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Don't worry. Just remember that he loves you.
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This was a triumph, i'm making a note here. Huge success.
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hello and welcome to the black mesa research facility
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Witaj jestem GLaDOS
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These are not the droids you're looking for.
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Horny
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would you like some cake ?
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This is you last chance
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I Hate You So much
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What is your greatest fear.
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Gabriela, I miss you Oh so dearly. May we get back down to business? I have your friend Albert in my testing facility, he has done so well! His progress is phenominal! His 1 last wish is to let you know that he loves you... Goodbye
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EEEP
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Do you know mister Bassin ? The champion of the moush ? Oh yeah, Don't lie to me. I know you love him. He's very handsome when he's talking hours about the birds. And what abour mister Jack Villard ? Oh ! I just learned he died in the nuclear explosion o
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Hello, I am the member of Imperial order
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Hello, Today we will be testing my new animation creating. If you want to help me, Please post a comment! Thanks.
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Hello, Today we will be testing my new animation creating. If you want to help me, Please post a comment! Thanks. Also........ Never mind
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hi target aquired
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good i had no idea you were here josie
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Here is a call for you. Some Freak wants to have Money for sure.
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hello Josie i work with your brother
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Welcom to K C O E Cloud
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hi kimberly, this is tawny. i was hoping i could speak with you regarding what happened last week. please call me at 480-537-2746. i hope to hear from you soon.
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hello. this is the part where I kill you. the cake is still a lie.
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Ffgb
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Your a bum
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fuck you preston
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Test subject Dusk, Please continue testing.
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The cake was a lie... now die
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This a test of awesomeness earthling
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Tommy doesn't know that the cake is a lie.
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got cake?
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I shall Call you.....FGSFSD
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I shall Call you FGSFSD
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GRETHRTEHTRWTYREG
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This was a n23 Event. Bounce Bounce!
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hey there! want to download my C.V.?
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you are all fuzzy little man peaches
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Hello, I am now in control. Remember: There is no escape.
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Want to fill up your Office Christmas Party bookings this year?
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Play portal, or you gonna die.
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Hi Jeffrey, I am Glados
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I hope you die
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hi, motherfucker
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shut up metal ball
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skadoosh.
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Ha Ha Nick Is Gay
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Hi and welcome to aperture science
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It was a night like this 30 million years ago. I lit a cigarette, picked up a monkey skull to go.
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The sun was spitting fire. The sky was blue as ice. I felt a little tired so I watched Miami Vice. And I walked the dinosaur.
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OPEN THE DOOR GET ON THE FLOOR EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR.
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Hello World
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Testing now
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The AT&T number you are trying to reach is currently in the process of disconnection or inactivating customer account, seven six zero two seven seven four four eight zero is an inactive account, message 428
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Good evening.
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yo homie
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I don't blame you, but I still hate you
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TRICK OR TREAT
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trick or treat
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da where r u
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dad where are you
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dad were are you
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chupame la pichula luis
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Hello how are you doing trainee?
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Hello I am Michael Davis
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Hello again. In courtesy for those around you, please answer this. Failure to comply will result in me answering the phone, and I don't think anyone would like that.
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watch the show
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Answer your phone you have a new text message
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Giant green inflatable green ball
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Hello?
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What do you think you are doing Mitchell?
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JOE is a boss
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What the fuck?
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I like big butts and I cannot lie
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Foxconn, building a better Apple for tomorrow. Here at Foxconn, we care about your health. We've implemented many measures to make sure you are a stronger, more fit, and more productive employee.
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We want you to be happy so to help you not have to go to the bathroom as often, we don't have adequate air conditioning. Sweating not only cools you off, but is a healthy way of expunging impurities so you can focus better.
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We want you to have less stress so we have a dummies you can beat up on. We want you to be more fit so we help you to stand up longer with less breaks--a fit body leads to a sharp mind.
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Hello, and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. We hope your brief detention in the Relaxation Vault has been a pleasant one! Your specimen has been processed, and we are now ready to begin the test proper.
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We want you to feel appreciated, so we've doubled your pay! We want you to help catch you when you fall, so we have nets to comfort you when you need us most. Don't rest too long though, it's back to the lines with a smile!
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At Foxconn, we don't bring you down, we stand you up again--so you can work harder and... longer. :)
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Youre Gay
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Sara is adopted
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Oh joy. voicemail has arrived.
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Congratulations, subject Sara has made it to the cake.Wait, that was a lie.
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jello and, again, welcome to the FUCK ME SIDEWAYS
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I am not a robot. I am a unicorn.
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Hello there, my name is Aidan.
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Marie Madsen, welcome to the aperture science Lab. I would just like to say that I am in love with you, you are also amazing. That is all. Goodbye.
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hello alexander
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jiena bierhoff mil hamrun
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t'as un message
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amanda loves companion cube
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This was not awesome I'm making my move here: IRC It's hard to understand I've learned my lesson
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