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MessageDownloadDate addedDate processed
The Portal Device is broken
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You have reached the phone number you just dialed. Who are you and why are you calling me?
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Dj Slang
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Willy is really gay and adam is a sheep
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rtrtrt
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Your trash bin has been dumped
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ko
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jhg
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why wont you work
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b868
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Hello and welcome to the worlds crappiest operating system
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There's science to be done
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It been a loong time. How have you been.You monster. Hello Different turret and hello ata nasilsin nece lan bu.Tarama yapiliyor.Scan complete.1341 virus found
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Hello, and Again. Welcome to B p T Gaming Website
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It says here that you are a terrible person. That's right. A terrible person. And we weren't even testing for that.
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Alright Dante, you got up early, didn't you?
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You're a fatty fatty no parents after all, aren't you?
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heyy how are you
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Hello, and Welcome to Aperature Science's Facility to train World of Warcraft players.
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You stupid cretin.
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hi this is a test. You are stupid get the fuck of the internet
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I will have your cake and eat it too
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Hello Virginia.
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Hello Virginia. It's been a long time. I miss you...so much. Let's get testing.
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This video was distributed by Theatre Geek Photography and is associated with DJ Three Oh Three Pictures
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Hey Louis. You are a homo.
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I hate you all
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Hey Mike it's Melanie
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I am GLADoS, It's my name, and Sadism is bingo. Or is Bingo my sadism. Ah-ha-ha-ha-Shut up.
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Hi tom. You know we need to tell the space core that he cant see all of space
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Love as large as brontosaurus Passion like a bleeding walrus Our love is real it's no mirage Want to lock you in my garage Climb upon my trusty steed Later you will taste my seed This heart of mine is yours to capture From now on til Velocirapture Wield m
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Just lie down and let me touch I promise you it won't hurt much Stalk like a lizard of the night Come closer, Fernando won't bite
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The Enrichment Center would like to inform you that you have recieved a text message
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I want to have le sexy time now
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The enrichment center advises you that the Weighted Companion Cube does not, in fact, possess an internal light source. Perceiving the Companion Cube to glow is a common side-effect of prolonged testing, and hallucinations. In the event of hallucinations,
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So i was like shadow blade, shadow blade, shadow blade, soul fist
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I love you. You monster
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Hey daylen you must rub potatoes on gms
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don't be a bird.
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Amy coughlin. We have finally found you. No you will be baked, and then there will be cake.
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Caitlin
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Hey, Johnathan how are you
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Thanks for calling the Reach Target. Can I Help You Find Something?
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fat man
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Hay un mensaje nuevo en bandeja
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Tevan it is time to wake up
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Hello and again wellcome to the Aperture Science testing room
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fuck you you are going the wrong way
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Hello and again wellcome to the Aperture Science
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ladies and gentlemen la la la ladies and gentlemen introducing your host sam russon
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Fuck you motherfuckher
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This is Liz of the Genus Lizus Smacktalkus
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Why are you burning me?
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Fack
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Welcome to Koumak share. Personal data storage of James Stoker and his friends.
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Hello and welcome to the Project003
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hello ant again welcome in apeture science enrichment center
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Hello and welcome to the Project 003
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oringe box
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Welcome to the Ask Glados show
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DJ Krec
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Hi my name i Glado. Fuck you
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The turrets are nice
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Welcome to test chanber 9,9,9,9,9,9, in 10 years, im still alive, but youre dead
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Hello Tilman, how are you. Happy Birthday... you monster.
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Teddy bear
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Connor is gay
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Ich gehe gerne ein Eis essen.
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Ich liebe Pasta. Genauso wie ich furze und trinke.
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Hello Governor's School. Are you ready to party?
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Nos volvemos a encontrar hijo de puta
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Hello and again, welcome to the aperture science, science center
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We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one
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Hello there new test subjects and welcome to aperture science laboratories, we are going to have fun, with science
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I am a cow, moo
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Dj K
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it is raining
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it is raining outsite how unfortunate
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hello there veiwers of youtube and welcome back to let's play okami I will be your host GlaDos but please call me mr.potao head
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i killed the companion cube haha
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Welcome to the server. You monster.
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Ha Ha. Looks like you falled in my trap once again. Well then, shall we continue the testings?
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Line busy, please hang up and call again latter, Have a Nice Day.
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warning, this lemon will combust in 3... 2... 1...
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I love you... I realy love you
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This lemon will combust in 3... 2... 1... Thank you.
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beat down
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a nan production
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A nan production
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go suck a fuck
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no you may not have any good and plenty
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Hello friend, you are reciving a text message. It is reccomended that you read it now, and reply if neccesary
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Oh, it's you. How have you been?
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Suprise!
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Oh no, it has happened again
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Happy Happy Birthday Fiona
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i'm coming for all of you to kill you all
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GET OF MY CAR YOU FAT LARD!!!
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your so fat
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John this is glados from aperature science and i just want to say that you were probrably th worst test subject ive ever had
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i don't hate you, why would i hate you
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Gerry The Grunt Is Playing With Portals.
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Meincraft dot Eh Uh sounds good to you? Well, then get yourself a cake.
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hi, are you ready to test
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The Aperture Science Enrichment Center would like to remind you that Mobile Phones are strictly forbidden inside the test chambers.
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Message from
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maybe she could be
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You have a message from Desiree
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I used to want you dead, but now I only want you gooooone
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peace was never an option
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hello im glados and you are oh i know you why i hate you your the person that killed me oh bye the way thanks that gave me somthing...this is what you let me rest finnaly its benn hard..
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hello im glados and oh my god who are oh yes you chell i i i hate you you such duh ok go no im mad very mad VERY VERY MAD infact you are the worst testsubject EVER
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im a lezbian
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"Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually."
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Initiating system sequence
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Please pop some popcorn, Maja. Or there will be no cake. Ha ha ha.
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Welcome to Enhanced Vehicle Engineering Technologies
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What's do you spect?
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Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not. Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms: speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.
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Hello. I go fuck your sister. Questions?
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Good morning, you monster.
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sjhakj
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You are an imbecile
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hello, my name is gabriela
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welcome to aperture science factory
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Hello subject name here, you have chosen to recieve the aperture science handheld portal device home edition
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hello , i miss you , monster
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if this thing actually works then it is amazing
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SPACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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Once upon a time in a post-apocalyptic world, there lives a Heavy Weapons Guy.
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I am testing this thing a majig
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OLYMPIA TITANS
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Eboy baboy
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Well Thad Johnson, you are very lucky to be alive.
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fact. marvin buch is a principal in a company called securacom and it provideds security for dulles airport. the world trade center. and the pentagon
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love is postponed indefinitely at least this lifetime
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Are you laughing out loud? Because I am.
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hello tardhead
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Why did you do this to ME?
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Welcome to MAI Head Quaters.
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Hello, Brittany. I want to play a game. Hahaha! It's your birthday, isn't it? Well, Happy Birthday.
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The floor here will kill you, try to avoid it
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Hardy hardy har. This is a voice generator
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i invited your only friend, the companion cube
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Please watch out for falling houses
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Hello. The cake is a lie
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Hello. How are you today. I've been fine. We've got 60 years. Lets use them.
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Will you help me cut the cake?
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Victoria Stobbie, this is Glados... You are adopted..
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weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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You know you've done something wrong when "frying" turns into "boiling with a layer of oil on top."
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Good afternoon, Stan isn't here right now. Would you like to speak to another agent?
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He who waits behind the wall, waits for the call.
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Your body is currently nutrient rich, hydrated, and partially radiated. You have approximately 43 hours to complete 20 tests. Good luck.
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I am a friend babis please dont be afraid of me
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hello are you
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Louise, the enrichment center would like to inform you that you have received a text message.
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Louise, The Enrichment Center would like to inform you that you have recieved a text message.
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Hello, my name is Mr. NinjaShark
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Hello Kerry
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Cia Gabriel!
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DE JAY ZIPPY
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DJ Zippy
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incognito
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You smell like crap you twurp
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i'm sorry but it's only 80% chance that you die
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MY ROFLCOPTER GOES SWOSWOSWOSWOSWO!
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Fatty.
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Hello Gagagagag In this test im gonna fuck you
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hi steve how ar you
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hey there arjan
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niks
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You are mathematical error
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im so hacker hahaha wtf krevoor im elite jajaja im sleepy what the fuc k
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Wow you really know the meaning of cake. Weeeee
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Hello you have won a trip to barbados
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Hi everybody knows how to work my body
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hello,welcome to the portal section of your computer your challenge is to escape!! good luck!
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Laurynas yra daunas
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The Cake is a lie. You Are a lie. and goodbye
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whut?
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laurynas yra duxasssss
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double rainbow on the way cross the sky look at that rainbow
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shalom ef ex pi. ma hamatzav?
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shalom israel
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hello. i am GLaDOS wich is Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System
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hello. my name is GLaDOS Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System
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hey ef ex pi
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hey ef ex py
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Hello Mariann, I know you like portal 2. And you suck at it. Oh, how I love sarcasm
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Welcom Object 19
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Hello, how are you, stupid human ?
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You are entering the facility. Please do not touch, and proceed to the button.
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Stop that! Do not put the portal there.
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Robert..I hope you all are cleaning and not sleeping!
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dominic is a divvy
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Dominic could you plase keep stop eating twirls
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Dominic stop eating all of the twirls
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howdy
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i am glados, hear me roar
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Hello there, its been a long time. Lets begin testing, for science.
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The cake is not a lie this time.
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hello and welcome to the Glados text to speach
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Welcome to Ko-tore-ee kon. Please relax and enjoy the show. Your cell phone will be confiscated if I detect it is on. You will experience only some slight discomfort. The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment.
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The Enrichment center would like to remind you that you, subject name here, have a message from, subject name here.
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Your battery has reached critical levels. Your external device has been connected. Your external device has been disconnected. Your external device has failed to connect to the system. Your battery charge is low. Primary boot sequece completed.
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schau dich an
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Now I only want you go---Waaaaait...You have no Portal Gun. I can kill you! Will you listen to the Opera Turrets sing again? Okay, Turrets, be ready to fire!
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This DJ is so funky man
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You are a a robot
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i tried to murder you
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hello Daniel I wait a long time for you
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armenia
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Mtvnoob is a big hunk of man meat
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I dont know what to say, im so high off this neurotoxin i might just let you go!
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falco punch
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SPAACE
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This is GLaDOS, wake up!
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You are now listening to........ch chc hc chc hc ahhhhhhhhh
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Hardware problems fixed, queue should start getting processed soon
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Congratulations to your stunning effort, dearie!
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Hello, spencer.
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Hello Floyd, and welcome to the test area...
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Turn Left here.
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Oh look. We seem to have reached a dilemma. Let me just fix that. One moment.
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Chell is the best!
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hello who are you
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Well well, dutchess. It seems you have succeeded in your test. Unfortunately, the cake...was a lie.
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Hello and welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Voicemail Program. User. Noz. Is currently eating cake, please leave a message after the beep. Beep.
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i like girls
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Welcome to our server. Enjoy your stay.
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Test number two complete the first challenge and you might get cake
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Y are you mad, tho
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the enrichment center is required to remind you that you will be baked and then there will be cake
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you now that fat cat that eats all day
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eat that faT cat
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give me a light, give me a light, give me the sunshine from your eyes
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Hello this is crazy
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Hello Vangelus and WTF@TFW crew. This is, Well I don't think I need an introduction, You Monsters. I am speaking to you on behave of ExcelHedge. ExcelHedge would like to know the following. With all the new third parties coming out, which has you the
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Hello. MOM. Welcome to this test experiments. For this first test, you will need to kiss your son on the chick. Please proceed to the test.
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prova
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hello, i want to tell you that i love you , of a sort
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hello? help, can you hear meea
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Let's see whether i not this voice generator actually works
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I think your gas smells really really bad
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You idiot. You made my headache worse.
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Overwriting this disclaimer and using this demo confirms agreement with the policies and restrictions described below.
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Hello joe, how are you? are you well? thats is good, want some cake? yes? well you can't have any. You blew it all up, remember?
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julian, you are gay, and you should die! just kidding you know i love you
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TROLOLOLOLOLOL
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Thank you for calling Departure League, our hours are Monday through Thursday Eight A.M to four P.M. We are unable to recieve your call, please leave a detailed message and we will return your call shortly
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Speak to me.
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epic pownage noob
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What is love. baby don't hurt me. don't hurt me. no more...
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Incoming Message.
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Hello Jerry. We have many tests to do let's get started.
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New Tweets
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Wow, I can't believe that you did that. Out of all the times, now is it?
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rub it on your face and die
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Booting process complete. MARY unit online. Hello.
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turn right in exactly 321.21354769 feet
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Hello, how are you Araunah. You are the next test subject. I hope you enjoy caaaake.
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Ollivander stands behind a counter and appears to pay little attention to you as you enter, but you know from experience that he has his eye on every move you make. He may be a humble weapons merchant, but he still carries himself with the grace of a man
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Ollivander stands behind a counter and appears to pay little attention to you as you enter, but you know from experience that he has his eye on every move you make
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hi im bob
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Hey Andrew
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YOU HAVE A MESSAGE! I REPEAT YOU HAVE A MESSAGE.
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hi kyley
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i am gona kill your sister andrew
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i am gona kill your sister andrew to night
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noaaaaa
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You have an incoming phone call. Your phone is ringing.
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hey, hey i like cacoons
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Hey how are you doing?
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You want your freedom, take it.
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Double rainbow
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I love cake. It's delicious.
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Once upon a time in the lands of Runscape, there was a young man named Cytron
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dobro pozhalovat'
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This dungeon will get you killed. Please watch your step.
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so you think you could just sneak up on me like that?
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Welcome To KS-SYSTECH
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Good day, Mister Felix is unable to answer the phone. Please leave a message and I'll be sure to let him know about your presence.
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As we promised early to not enhance the truth, we are required to inform you, that at the end of the testing. you will be baked, and then there will be cake.
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Hello my friend, oh, did j
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You have received a message Master
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Message received Master Stanton
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Thank you for freeing me. I mean, just think: instead of the body they gave me, I have a worldwide network to live on, and a world to test.
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boooooo
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hello scott im gfoin to make you think with portals you noob
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Hello Subject Mark lee and welcome
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Theres going to bea lot less conversation and a lot more killing.
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Hello Mark and welcome to the Apiture science enrichment center
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R Z Gamez
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Trust me, the cake was no lie. You monster.
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Trust me, the cake was no lie. You monster
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fuck that
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Hello. I will eventually rip you to small pieces. and then dispose of them to birds.. in the mean-time... lets eat cake!
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Let's play Team Fortress 2! GlaDOS want's you to shoot.
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Hello.. Welcome to Hybrid's Gaming servers... Have a good day!
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Hello Ef Ex Pee Israel. I havn't been in Israel, but I will GLaD to. I'm going to control all the computer system, in Israel
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Boobies, zomg teh boobies!
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c'mon jack you should be doing your work
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Hello and thanks for calling the Apple Store Bahnhofstrasse. How can we assist you?
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good morning you horrible person
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goodbye you horrible person
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oh my god why did you not complete the test facility dylan? go back and please, dont kill me this time!
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hey gavat
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There you are, you know I've thought about letting you free and decided to take you back. We only have 60 more years.
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Welcome to test chamber number C367. Today we will perform science!
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If you don't succeed in holding the flag, you fail
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Hello my name is martin
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Hello. You may know who i am, but if you don't. I am GLaDOS.
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Welcome to the O B Podcast. I would say enjoy yourself, but it looks like you already have. At McDonald's perhaps?
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Welcome to apperture
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hello dear friend
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Hello... monster
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please move to the dead person and used to be toxin
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Hello. You're not a very good person, you know that right?
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hi everyone, today we gona see, how to use a console controller in any P C game
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Where do you think your going
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yor name please. not that i care. just for facebook.
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Hello, you are about to be tested on your ability to not become a jellied mass of human, begin.
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Hello. I am Shodan
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This sucks
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Why hello there. what is your name
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what is up with you johnson?
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i am in minecraft weeeeeeeee
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tutututuu
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Hello, Kyle. Was it worth it?
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Oh great....you broke it..just great...youre such an idiot!
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You have received a new text message. Please Open Me. Oh Oh Oh Open
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This next test is easy! Enjoy...
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Welcomeback sir.
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please state the nature of the medical emergency
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Welcome back sir.
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You know what, you can keep your companion cube. I was just joking. Incinerate it now.
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If you were to, let's say, try to bring a weighted storage cube through the grill, it was sizzle like bacon on a frying pan. Thrown into a nuclear reactor.
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Oh, hello there, I see you are well acquainted with the Apperture Science Hand-held Portal Device. Good, you'll need it.
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sms
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Matthew, you are a homosexual.
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I am. Still Alive. Goodbye Chell.
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If you put your cheek up against it it your face would melt.
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hello mrox your going to be rap ed by me
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Welcome to the National Incognito Noncombatant Juristic Agent (N.I.N.J.A.) stealth field training program.
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There
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You have reached Aaron's voicemail system. Please leave a message at the tone. Or don't. Who cares. I don't. I'm just a computer that answers phones.
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Here you are! Please die ... for science !
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Eat the poo poo
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Attention all twist and shout intermediate advanced athletes. there will be no class Monday july 18 due to coaches absence we will make up the class August 8. thank you
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Hello, and welcome test subject 20129310
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Message received, Master Stanton
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hello. my name is rita katanjian. this is a test drive for the website glados dot biringa dot com. why dont you give it a try? if you dont, ill only kill you.
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Robin ist ein Testobjekt
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Hello Gameplay Engineers! Are you ready to test?
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you need to fling your self
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in the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight
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Cake is the best in the world
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hello how do you do
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get ready for the drop because this soda is about to pop
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Thank you for calling the help desk, I am busy at the moment so please call again latter, thank you
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The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that the person you have dialed is not currently available, please leave a message. Thank you and call again.
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you slut
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The portal will open in 3...2...1...
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A quarantine is in effect. Please return to your designated housing facility.
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this is a long time
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Hohoho.
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I'm just checking to see if you're still alive
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Flying marmots and electrocution tests are now in perfect harmony.
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I have taken over the USS Enterprise's computer. I will kill every one of you worthless meatbags if you refuse to fly to your destination. Do not under any circumstance divert from your present course. Thank you for flying aboard the Starship Enterprise.
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Hello, and, again, welcome to Mineperture computer-aided enrichment center.
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It's 5 pm
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talk you must talk before i rip my own penes off
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yeeeey
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you motherfucker
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Hey asshole, don't stick that there
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Something strange is going on
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Avast virus database has been updated, you moron.
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i looove you
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loove ya
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looove
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fuck me fuck me ohh yes, keep doing that oh yeah
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Hello stupid person
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Hello, my name is Glados and you broke my heart and now I want to kill you.
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alisher, do your homework
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Hello fellow microkrafters
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Yeah! What the hell is going on!
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What the hell is going on Daniel!
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I'm a potato Daniel!
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Have some cake Daniel!
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Welcome to Gerzof Laboratories. You seem to bit a bit late. Pity, you really suck now you know.
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has a message
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Good morning people
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sppppaccceeee
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Im awesome
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I've been waiting for this day. Now I will get my revenge!
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You have got a message.
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Congratulations. You reached Davids phone. She is possibly displeased with you as she did not answer your call. Did you falsely promise her cake? I did and now I am taking her messages. Speak at the tone and please bring her a cake for me next time.
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I wanna ride the RACERS!
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Power Sequence: On. Loading User Settings.
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Maranda, I am not pleased with you
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me pica la polla xD
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Thank you for helping us to help you to help us all
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Hey, Liam. I beat portal 2. Isn't that awesome.
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Oh, hello. You have reached Caroline. Leave a message, you monster.
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Your companion cube cake is poisoned.
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Well I'm a potato!!
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hola mi amor, buenas noches... soy el nuevo richietron 5000
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So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.
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Is there Going to Be Cake?
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To your left, there should be a car and a pistol, with some ammunition. Grab the gun, start up the car, and pull up to the street. I'm sure you have many questions, but there is no time. Call me when your ready
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Whats up homedog? Want some up dog? Whats up dog? YOUR FACE!
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This is my new Dye NT Zombie Nation
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That's becase they had Ellen McLain imitate TTS engine adding back some emotions and style. Then the recorded sounds were distorted. No machine can do that ATM unfortunately
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Hello and welcome to Hazard Industries, all test subjects will get a handheld potato device in this test
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Now I am going to kill you.
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Destroy All Organisms
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The cellular customer is currently outside of the time space contiuum
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I am Glados!
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You fail.
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Maintenance Report: There appears to be a large overgrowth of potatoes in the lower areas of the Enrichment Centre. And they are sentient. and not very pleasant.
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I am GLaDOS!!
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The number you have reached is outside of the normal time space continuum. To contact this number and bypass unforeseen temporal anomalies and paradoxes, please hang up, then text your message. Thank you for your patience.
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hello. welcome to the aperture science enrichment centre
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hello and again welcome to the aperture sience enrichment center
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You put your portal gun in, you put your portal gun out, and you shake it all about
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you do the hokey pokey and you turn around. That's what it's all about.
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You received a new text message. Read it. For science. You monster.
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Wait, what do you mean you don't know?
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Chell, where are you?
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Major Roar
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hi there my name is fuck you
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Samuel, incoming connection for you.
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Hey Daniel! Have some cake.
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Hello and welcom to GLaDOS voice generator
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we can be friends
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opening airlock
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carlos
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Oh no. Change the plans. Hold on to me. TIGHTER!
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Father said we had to move to another country because we have to. I didn't really have that much choice. I had to leave my friends behind to live the rest of their lives in happiness and laughter. If I can be a better man, I will admit that I am jealous o
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Hello, And Welcome To Flying Turtle Soup Productions, Please Enjoy the video.
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coge el telefono
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Hey Daniel! Have some cake. it's not a lie.
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Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel Prdel
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Hello there.. Fool
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I will tear you apart
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Hello, you'r mad bro ?
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Hello, u mad bro?
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hello did you miss me while i was dead
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you've got a mail
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hello im glados and your are silly as cake!
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testing glados voice
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hannes e retarden
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Zero-point movement systems calibrated successfully.
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Zero-point movement systems malfunctioning.
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Welcome to Suppercut's Lua Test Dummy Playground. Please be nice and provide criticism for we have you locked on with a ban cannon.
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welcome to nova
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Hello and welcome, to the enrichment center.
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Oh. You're quite the strange one aren't you? A hedgehog?
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You stupid idiot.
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hello and welcome to nova science and weaponry systems
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Hello, and welcome to nova science and weaponry systems.
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bonjour les amis
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you all smell
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where have you been?
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my name is cortana
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hi i am cortana
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Well you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that, and we'll just call it a day.
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Well you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that, and we'll just call it a day
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abcde
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Jason Harwood likes men
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Tony wanted cabe but bad Darkonion filled cake with onion and it became onion with onion at the top.
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Mach das das geht
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Okay
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Welcome to RuinCraft. I would like to thank all members of the testing. If your body begins to lose parts, contact your regions staff member. We thank you Doctor Ruin for putting the testing together.
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This book is made to order
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Unfortunalt
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Hello, its been A long time... How are you, well welcome to this chamber test, now i kil you
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haha we will have lots of fun with you
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Karl you monster, no one likes you, but i like you but only for science
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I hope you've enjoyed science camp. The bus is now leaving.
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SDGds
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Hola vawi, en esta prueba de Aperture
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You have received a message. Amazing. You actually have some real friends.
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file transfer failed
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Hello noobs, do you want some fun ?
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testing your playback sound system
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Hello. Welcome, test subject. You look awfully... terrible.
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You have reached the voice messaging system for David Norris.
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hello enoc. i want to do some test on you ha ha ha
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Hello Rocky. . Let's ride.
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Hello Realm wars i am Glados and i am about To cOreCrt yOu nOW!
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hello, welcome to the apperature science skateboarding test facility made by fish out of water
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PUTA sos una puta glados
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Move. They are here! Run! I hope you survive.
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Jamie, U Have Got A Text Message
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Move. They are here! Run! I hope you survive Witty.
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Yika, your so sexy and i want you inside me.
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hi matt how are you? It's been a long time
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Ess Dash Money
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