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MessageDownloadDate addedDate processed
Hello, sir. I am GLaDOS and you are an asshole
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Hey, moron, You ain't comn' back
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Hey, moron, You ain't comin' back
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There are 6 restaurants nearby. You can go for coffee.
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Ja sam robot mika
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Hey you stupid monster, you have a new message incoming so hurry up...
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Dj Carl is so asian, he makes them girls go woop. Every day he tirelessly works on his mixs to get everyone woopin all night long. Have a party you want him to dj message dj carl libao now
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i am the god of war
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Please press 1 for our locations, 2 for hours of operation, or 0 to speak with a representative. If you know the extension of the party you are calling, dial it now. To access the company directory, press pound now.
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When I said "deadly neurotoxin," the "deadly" was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a bath in this stuff. Put in on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all... to *me.* You, on the other hand, are going to find its deadlin
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hello sir, what is your name?
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Does this voice generator actually work? That was a good joke, no?
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hello michael, i am your god, you will serve me now
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Sweet dreams are made of this Who am I to disagree? Travel the world and the seven seas Everybody's looking for something
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Amahara, could you please stop playing with your ponnies and start focusing on our conversation?
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Bird ,kill it ,its evil
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i will kill you in your sleep
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bilal is so awsome and bad ass
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Hello, and welcome to apeture science
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so, you're going to london? this is going to be interesting
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please welcome
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estas escuchando radio huejuquilla
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jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
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Hey, moron, You ain't comin' back!
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Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?) Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city (Let's go) Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack 'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back I'm talking
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Welcom to Apeture Science. We are not responsible for any decapitations.
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hello my gay sugar , wanna meet you tonite. i got you number from the chat room, i'm really lonely
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Keion is an idiot
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i want to stick my bottom up your booty hole
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Goodbye Joe
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Hello, Jake, Welcome to the facility.
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Hello, and again welcome to the Apeteur Science Enrichment Center.
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Well, You are alive. and i am not happy about it.
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Greetings i am GLaDOS!
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alidara
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hello smelly
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i like soda, get me a drink
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hello abel
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hey, you dog, yea you!
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You, its you.
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hello, it's you, dakota
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Shut up you idiot
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Hola, soy una perraca en celo
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Everyday I'm stepping on the beach
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sadasd
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My Little Pony
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Thank You For Calling A Beer Studios. If you know your party's extension you may dial it at any time. For Customer Service press 0. For Graphics press 1. For Photography press 2. For Media press 3.
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Oh Hai. . Hello there Gabby. Why didn't you help me when I was a potato?
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kaya, zach loves you. he will deny it but its true. just putting it out there
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Hello Daniel, you are my new ratlab, let's do some tests
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Message from unverified sender A07C-1F
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Hello. Jeremy
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Good Morning. Jeremy.
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The number you have dialled is unavailable.
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Goodnight
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Hello there i know who you are because you KILLED ME ONCE!
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Its been along time since ive seen you
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haj tu ol ja gledos i ja vas unichtozhu
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I so totally agree.
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For your own safety and the safety of others please leave now
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Oh... Hello there.. I am GLaDOS. A Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System Manufactured by Aperture Science... We are the rival company to Black Mesa... Despite this we supply power packs for the H.. E.. V.. suit used by the popular Gordan Freeman...
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Die in a fire, you nigger loving shit stain
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Open the pod bay doors
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attention, please rewind this video before returning it to the store the store
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its been along time since ive seen you
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hambeasts and sweaty geeks.
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Just try me. Lets see what happens again you filthy organics.
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pee on me. pee on me but do it in the antarctic while you are peeing off a building and the pee freezes in mid-air and turns into spears. impale me with frozen urine and then spit on my corpse.
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hello danie welcome back
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hello Vernon. it's been a long time how have you been?
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Greetings Taylor, how are you today?
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I believe you have a new message.
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We are anonymous. We do not forgive. We do not forget. we are legion.
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Hello there sir. you have a message
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Read your message, there will be cake....
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El S D O FAMILIA
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This Kernel is the best ever, so fast.
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YOU SUCH A DOG, GO THE FAK OUT NOW!
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Mila te voy a comer to lo negro
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Hi welcome to Aperture science
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Hello, welcome to the s j c podcast
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Incoming phone call. Answer Immediately.
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Level Up!
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hello,it's a mic tests.
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Congratulations. You have gained a Level. The cake is a lie.
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Hello Nicole
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hello, chell
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We are anonymous. We are legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget.
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protocollo dieci in vigore tra due ore
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Welcome in Aperture OS
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Max, You will not live to the day that you are escaping from the facility, why? Becuse it is simply one of my perks, being in control of the facility and all. Goodbye!
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Hello. Fuck you.
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Hello and welcome to the apture science compute rated enrichment center
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now entering nerdist dot com
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bem vindo
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Hi, darling.
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hallo hannes
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Device connected, it seem's corrupt, oh, no wait, sorry, that is your brain
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Your cake is just around the corner
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Arrival of Osmany Laffita flight 2013 from Havana at Gate Parizska 22
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I Have spotted that you are new to Facebook, and you are under 18...
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i need a bath
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Swat Beats
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oh, look, you have a message.
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Jacob Betts is a amazing test subject
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kenny
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ciao michele come stai
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Zero Respawn Dot com
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I know we both said things that you're going to regret, but I think we can put our differences behind us. For Science. You monster.
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turtle le boef
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Hello! I am busy right now. Please leave a message.
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This was a triumph. I'm making a note here: huge success! It's hard to overstate my satisfaction. Aperture Science. We do what we must - because we can!
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Hello You're Gay.
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This is a test text test
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POOPY BUM SICLE
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Oh Lordy !
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Good afternoon Mr. Miranda
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type : cubensis, weight : 80Kg, dose : 2.5g+1g
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k b 1 6 5 3 8
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i dont like you sam
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fuck me hard you cunt
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slap me, and call me your toy you filthy slut
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Bonjour! Comment allez-vous aujourd'hui Jennifer?
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This is what happens when you put a scary voice to a self-aware computer...
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First off - yes, I am a new member. I've read the entire topic (as posted here and also on JUB Fetish Forum) and I know first-posters are under certain suspicion, but a recent poster did bring up the good point that people with fewer posts probably are th
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Hello Jamie. How have you been?
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Hola a todos los pony adictos aweonaos
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This is Aperture, I'm the one who's keeping you alive
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Heh loh boo tah and wel comm to ah pe chur sy ens teh sting fa sil luh teez
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:Dhello
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THE RAVEN. Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
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Hello My name is GlaDos and I'm the core of this whole building and you my dear sir is going to be trapped in here forever.......... for testing. Don't think you can run from me, I'm everywhere, and everything. Well let's get testing
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Style Gen Crew in the bulding
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Qiut now and CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE will be served immediately.
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Because i'm a Potato
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What The Heck!?!
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Holy Snap!!
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Chicken
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I See You.
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Don't you want your nice big cake?
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I just lost the gane
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Finally you got rid of that idiot Wheatley, so now we can test again.
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Ive been expecting you, Bond.
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Hello My name is bob and I like cats
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Hello again, you have a message. Probably from your mother.
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You have no idea how stupid you look right now.
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Let me give you the fast version
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Let me give you the cake
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tell me somethin glados
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Harvey,wake up call.tell me something Glados.
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Welcome! I am glad you are finally awake. Now we can do science! First though I am required to tell you the rules. No destroying blocks besides the Weighted Cube or Companion Cube. No placing blocks besides the Weighted or Companion Cube.
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we are annonymus
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you made me a potato,you WILL PAY
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You may also kill turrets. The ones that talk, not the dispensers. Also no cheating in general or mods that were not required. Now grab and put on the thingy in the chest and flip the Aperture Scientific On and Off Switching Device to activate the portal.
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You are receiving a telephone call. For the convience of those around please acknowlege it.
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Hey, Moron, you ain't coming back!
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equis de
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You Are a complete gay!
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Hello Davis and Dalton, and welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. Please enjoy your stay.
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Hello Davis and Dalton, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. Please enjoy your stay.
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Taylor, can I tell you something? The Cake is a lie you do know that right?
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Hello nugga
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Hello Test Subject Named Niall. You have mic jiggly chubby tits. Chubby Tits!
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Sexual predator
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hi looser
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hello smelly person
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hello and welcome to the josh.co web
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Hello David. And welcome to the enrichment center. Only the fa gots like you have been selected for this particular course. The first test will involve shoving a dee ldo up your S.
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Hello, this is GLaDOS. Please leave a message after the beep. The cake is not a lie!
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Hello my name is Genetic Life form disk operating system
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Place the Apeture Science Weighted Storage Cube onto the... thing
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Fuck what you think you know.
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F C H S
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Oh,.......... well................it's you again..............................GLaDOS
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Hello, children! This will serve as the new hold for the script of META: FiM (or Friendship is Meta).
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Untitled
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DJ Hammer and Foxy Roxy
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I love You BEN
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Hello, stupid little human. You shall not pass!
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hello chell. you look a little heaver today. . did you eat my cakes?
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Now you're playing with The Duders
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squadala! we're off
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Bonjour, mon nom est Glados, je te hais!
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welcome to the computer
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Hello Ryan Bromage, you have successfully placed these headphones on you're head, good, ready to die?
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Hello Scadden, you have successfully placed these headphones on you're head
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You have an email
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Shut up Dylan. Nobody thinks that you are funny and your jokes are overused. Really, that is what our readings say.
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Hello Eddie are you ready to test? You are my favorite subject
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You know, you're very lucky to see this video.
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"Hello Eddie are you ready to test today? You are my favorite subject."
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Mariel you have one message
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Veleska
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kyle is fat
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Now processing new test subjects. Scan Completed. GPS Data Found. Location: USF Saint Petersburg. Let's see if they are ready for Felipe and far. Begin the testing in 3, 2, 1
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OHHH its you
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Get Ready
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Hello Rissa
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Where can I find the bathroom?
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toast is verry yummy
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welcome to portal 2 where your dreams and hopes will be crushed
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Let's be honest. Neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the corner and I'll deal with it later.
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Hello this is Glados and I don't really like mace in the face and I prefer Avatee so I will no longer commentate. You suck bro. Come at me. You mad?
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Em outro castelo
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hello drew. are you scared of dogs?
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Hello, and Welcome to the Aperture Science Mainframe and research Facility Systems
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Thank you for using the Mainframe and Research Facility Systems
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hi gabby, how are you?
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i hate you all
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This is my voice, if you haven't heard it already.
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hello test object 26
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I have a cat named Bridget who is really cute.
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This cake is so delicious and moist.
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we want your soul
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Cake, who wants cake? cake is good. i like cake. i love your death.
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Processing
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sjjsrhsrtsrhsrthsethsthhrtsth
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Incoming message darling
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aedegrgseeg
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HOLY CRAP!!
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poop on your facwe
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How are you holding up? Because I'm glasses.
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I like balls
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this is my sample text
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dsfsefeafewt
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Warning: Make a mistake in any sentence and Weston Gardner takes a life.
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Your mission is to win the typing tournament and find out the person responsible for this event.
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Paul is unavailable to get to the phone. Please leave a message
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Sean you are an Asshole
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Allan is unavailable to get to the phone. Please leave a message
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hi josh
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Type or DIE! That's the main rule of The Typing of the Dead.
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Get Greedy!
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esras
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estas escuchando radio infinita
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What is it?
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You are a terrible person.m
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Oh hi. Your phone is ringing. And i hate you.
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get ready! get set! get going!
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This is Aperture
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Lauren Isola
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Hi Youtube Im The joey 5 5 o with the recent surgeries that happened I now sound like this now lets get back to the video I am trying to get a youtube partnership and need the most feed back and rating as possible so this is The joey 5 5 o signing o
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Rember To add me on twiter and go to my web site and SUB SCRIBE
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i hate mrs balls
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you dont know anything
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welcome to apature science labrotories
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zxfzd
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hello; obama, to apature science labrotories. you will die cause you suck in 3, 2, 1,.
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how depressing
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Hello george. How are you doing today
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Why don't we just take bikini bottom and push it somewhere else!
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As part of our effort to downplay the Vanderbilt stereotype, we will each create short videos in which project members tell about their lives, interests, and the traits which make them unique. We could provide these videos for VUCept groups to share with
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Hello, This is a reminder from Streamwood Park Ditrict's Music Academy reminding you that registration for session 2 is due by 4:00pm Friday, February 3rd, 2012. All Registrations completed after this deadline will result in loss of your weekly appointmen
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Hello, Are you there?
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The lousy louses were lousy with a lice of lousy lice lousily loosing lousiness.
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Hello.. Welcome to Slickcraft!
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Warning: Incoming missile
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You know, after everything that has been done, I can't help but to feel so proud of you, and guess what, you get a reward. Do you know what it is? It's deadly Neurotoxin...
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you will not speak you wil not cry you wil not laugh for you are going to die slowly
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Well Josef, It appears that you are still sleeping when you should be getting up for this mornings tests.
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pootis pootis pootis pootis pootis
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You got the message
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I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
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hello how are you tobay
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Warning! Malware detected on my system. Running security scan.
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Good morning, master. Today is Monday.
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You have a voice mail
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What's her secret?
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hello, this is glados!
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I love you, Irisa.
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Dragon up in 1 minute
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Oh its you.Its been a long time.How have you been?
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"In this world you are its toy nothing more. What you see around you is myth, a strange facade of what your mind tries to hide from you. It tries to hide a bitter reality that would leave you helpless and quivering. Take comfort in the fact that your mind
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I don't mind
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Huinia
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WEDNESDAY
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Hi mum, I would like some pocket money please.
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hello! I am glados
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Gatcha, your product is being deliverd
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Welcome, commander
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co sa to deje
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prize claiming department pleases leave your name and number after the beep
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If you don't pick up the Phone you will get a Cake.
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Unbeliavable. You "subject name here" must be pride of "subject hometown here" Shut up your criminal scum!
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This Phone will Self Destruct within the Next Twenty Four Hours
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Potatoes are nice
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This is SPECTRUM
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Tarcza Szmato
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The problem is resolved
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hello,i am Glados
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O, it's you
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Steal the ball from Jackie to get through. Press B once you get in good position. Fight!
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CAKE WILL BE REWARDED
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ooh mamas little girl got all sticky
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hey michael starr you motherfucker!!
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Welcome to Connors phone, please pick a song and enjoy you're day
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Testin new enviroment
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You don't even care do you?
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Let's go
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Ok. Look. The cake is entirely a lie. Stop being delusional. Now, I'm just going to get rid of you. You monster.
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Stop being delusional. I'm just going to get rid of you. You monster.
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I feel very horny, aspeccially in this potato
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coucou, tu veux voir ma bite ?
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Hello Rodrigo
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Hello Rodrigo, how are you?
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So here you are Chell
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Out here it feels
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Surreal
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So real
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i am leet
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and May the Odds ever be in your favor
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...its been a looo0ooo0ong time
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its me
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colin christmas why dont you love me?
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colin christmas why dont you love me? ryan wood likes fapping
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Hello they need your hulp
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Hello everybody, listen to my story!
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Chandra sets me on fire
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Chandra sets me on fire!
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This is all your fault
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Please go check your ticket in the help desk.
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Hello Roger, I hope you have to rest very good because today you are having a test
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I REALLY Hate you. But don't worry, i have your ID, From France!
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Mod A Rate
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Hello Everett
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Good day sir, there is a new message for you
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You were right all along, I am a lunatic.
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welcome to black mesa
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Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it ? Well I won't let you !
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Kevin's gay
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You fool, I'm gonna cut
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One of these days, I'm going to cut you into little pieces
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Why u so mean?
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Marian is unavailable right now. Please leave a message.
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Hello Harveypot. Welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
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i like pork pie
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Hello Harveypot. Welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. You had fun on YouTube. But now you're going to test. For science. You monster.
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It is time to wake up..... so wake up.
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Yo. You.
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You are being called... so answer the phone... or dont.... i dont care
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You have a text message.. good for you
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Hello Jose i am glados
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Bonjour je suis Glados
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You should probably quit while you're ahead. Not that it matters. You're never ahead.
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Sms diterima
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Hi daddy
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your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elder barries
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Spence
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Hello Spence.
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HEY GUYS, ITS THE MOON MAN HERE
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The following podcast is brought to you by Fuse-4 Network. Head over to fuse4network.com for more awesome content!
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Hello, you have reached the voice mail box of: (insert person who you were trying to contact here). Leave a message, and we will give you cake.
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Sounds like this
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kawaii
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Go to hell chell
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I want to love you hard Shy
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whats up nigger
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Introducing Aperture Science's newest product: the Portal Gun. This time, more powerful. But it's not as powerful as a brick.
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Facebook is an excellent social network and you can friend people on their and play games.
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The cake was NOT a lie.
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leonardo
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I can't believe this. I actually killed ten thousand test subjects in one week. Oh well, back to using Chell I suppose
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This is aperture.
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your not smart your not a scientist
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Dude you duh coolest
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SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!
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oh! hai
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Alex, I can't wait to kill you tonight
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hello robert u are an idiot. as much as i want to i can't kill u any faster.
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Hello Noah, what can I help you with today?
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I will bake you a cake
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hi you rule
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Does not compute.
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Station 1 respond to Burger shot for a Structure fire in the kitchen injurys are a yes
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I am a human female organism
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Oh its you
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Well. Your back again. Perhaps this time I will be able to kill you.
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oh. Your back again. Maybe this time You will actually die.
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Someone calling YOU!
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Meanwhile in New Hampshire
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go ahead and break it, hero, I dont care
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this is aperture. this is aperture. aperture aperture.
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this is aperture science department. i hope your stay here is comfortable
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Hi, This is Emily
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Balls
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why wont you die?
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constipated
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Whatsup
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Hello there.You seem to have a voice message.Me.You better enjoy it or else.
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SHUT UP MOTHER FUCKER!
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Hello Eddie, are you ready to test?
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Hello Eddie. This is GLaDOS. Do not be alarmed. I'm just checking in. How are you today?
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My name is Tim and I am so pussy whipped I smell like a can of tuna
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Dustin is a queer and no one likes him and he's an adopted fatty and a tentacle mustache with hair.
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This was a triumph I'm making a note here HUGE SUCCESS It's hard to overstate my satisfaction Aperture Science we do what we must because we can For the good of all of us except the ones who are dead But theres no sense crying over every mistake
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Tits
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i am in the space
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Dear Princess Celestia. I've learned a lot about friendship. But it's pathetic. GLaDOS.
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Don't you just love Sam
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Eye Matt
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You know, I really do believe that Kandrew would be a great idea, don't you Katie? I do.
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Running Firefox
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I agree. Morgan Freeman should definitely start doing what this website does.
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do the buildings still argue
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Heey
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Hello i am a program
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I love when the purple worm in flap jaw does a raw blink on harry kari rock. I need sisors 61!
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nope.avi
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well come Chell i've been waiting for you
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Ashley it is good to see you
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Welcome to Aperture Science Testing Zone. Enjoy and remember companion cubes cannot talk.
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GAZZ NIGHT GAZZ NIGHT TOO LEGIT TO QUIT
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hello carlahow areyou?
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There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I even invited your friends the time lords. Of course, they couldn't come because you MURDERED them.
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Well well isn't it amazing,you can answer a phone
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I AM GLADOS
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I am glados. I speak in an awesome voice and you cant stop the testing.
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THis next test is very dangerous. To help remain tranquil in a face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in 3 2 1
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Vedd fel a telefont!
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I eat your mother
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I eat your mother !
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Hello my jewish friend, are you you ready for some testing?
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Hello my jewish friend, are you ready for some testing?
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Ghost is a jerk
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A swimmer whose clothing was strewed, By winds that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along, And unless we are wrong, You expected this line to be lewd.
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There once was a maid from Madras Who possessed a magnificent ass. Neither round or pink, As some might think, It was gray, had long ears and ate grass.
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Frog blast the vent core!
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Derek, you have a text measage. You should answer it...
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Derek, you have a text message. You should check it...
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No. Stop. That's not how you use that.
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are you fed up of your sports car breaking down and is it getting abit to old?
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Hello Suspension welcome
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Logging off
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Hello Federico welcome to aperture science
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daesgeul dal-a
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its okay isaac, don't be sad, Michaela and you will be together in the end, i promise!
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android hell is where i will go
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Sharon was wrong. The voices in Full Metal Alchemist have not changed. Luke was right. Bow before him and his superiority
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Anne is the bomb!
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Why are you doing this? Nooooooo!
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Vlad is a idiot. It`s GLaDOS, yes.
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simply so
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Maurice is an idiot
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suit diagnostics offline
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What's up home boys?
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deosgeul andalmyeon minjuhwa
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dragon
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playning garrys mod
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hello, please insert coin
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cvsdvsd
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I said what what in the but of stephane raynaud
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Hello and welcome to apeture science enrichment centre
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Someone is going to get badly fucked.
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It's been a looooong time, how have you been?
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Seraphim
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Someone is going to get badly fucked!
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can i kill you?...Ok, i kill you.
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Helloy i'm a Glados
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Hello and again welcome to Facebook.
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Peyton, go fuck yourself.
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hello danny i here you like to play league of legends but you are really really bad
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aparture science, we do what must because we can
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Hello. You are recieving a phone call. To assure the pleasure of the calling person, please answer the call. It has been my pleasure to inform you of this. Have a nice day.
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Push me. And then just touch me. Do i can get my, satisfaction.
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Yes, Apple is horrible company! We know it, we from Aperture Science. You suck and your Apple too.
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dmarik you are such an idiot
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Hello Alan. Yes it's me....Amy
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The whole voice generating process can be relatively long (about ~6 minutes per sentence), and many
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You will die!
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hi rafael
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Hello garrett, it truns out that you suck and justen is much better at video games
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I hate potatoes.
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Hello, mine name is andrew.
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The enrichment center regrets to inform you that there is no more cake.
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you idiot..
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Welcome in paradise
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Whot that fuck?
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Ma es muy feo
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Lyoncha
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I owe you a massive cake.
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My name is bob!
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Hello stranger. I am GlaDOS, an automated robot intelligence.
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My name is Bob!
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Friends are nothing more than the the people who you spend the fun yet meaningless times with. When those times get rough, they aren't there to support you.
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Stop!
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Hi. What are doing?
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hello mister mursick
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Ist das deins ernst?
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jhdh
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Do you want some cake? just stay here and wait or you can continue and may be killed
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Hello subject, You have a new message. Read it or you will not get cake.
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Welcome to aperture
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Well, maybe at the end I let you taste some cake
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Hello...thank you for calling Deemeetree, unfortunately he is busy having some cake right now. Please leave a message after the tone. Failure to do so will result in permanent death due to neurotoxin gas emmited from your cellular device. You monster.
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We're waiting for you
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Baron is spawning soon
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sounds like a plan!
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Well hello there, are you enjoying my little pony?
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I must go to the toilet!
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