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MessageDownloadDate addedDate processed
You know that cake i promised? I lied. i ate it all yesterday
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hello and, again, welcome to the aperture science computer aided enrichment center. i'm a potato.
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Hello Streetmen
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Welcome to the enrichment center, Tray Vee On.
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oh is you, you kill me.
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hello, nathan I do believe you set new standards to human stupidity
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You Know, That has to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard
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Hello there Bess
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Jared, you are a failure
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Oh no. You should not have stuck that pizza crust up your butthole
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I wonder what this button does?
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tesla
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Welcome to Super Walrus' and Bana in Pyjamas' Portal 2 Playthrough
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Christian Provost
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sicks
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hello what is your name?
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Hello, Jesse Rowan. Gwendolyn asked me to inform you that he is breaking up with you.
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hello eduardo
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Please pay attention! You have been selected.
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Welcome to Office X
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let's rage
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Hi you have reached my phone leave a message after the tone by the way do you like to test I like cake
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I saw a deer
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At the next intersection, turn left.
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no no no no no no
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Hello. This is the voice mail box of Nicholas Simpson. Please leave a message.
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hello this glados how are you zac
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MAX WELL MAX A MILLION THE THIRD
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trees are cool
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Colin are you here? Oh shit.
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Thank you for calling compu tek computer center.
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Why are you eating people?
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hello and welcome to the
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There will be cake if you take a right turn off the cliff.
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What are you doing? haha this is funny
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Hello [uny human
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Hello. What are you doing, human?
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I am glados 3 point oh
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hello ball
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Stephanie sent a text
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Welcome to Aperture Science command center.
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would you like to play a game of go fish?
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This is a phone call
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Hello Rob. Welcome back.
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Hello Jason
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Attention. You have an incoming message from your wife.
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Attention. You have an incoming message from your boss.
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what are you even doing?
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You have an incoming message. You monster.
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Attention. You are a terrible person. And you have a message.
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You just received a message. However, why anyone would want to contact a fat, orphan is beyond my range of comprehension.
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tststststststststststststststs
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Hello Paige
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Hello.How are you?
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In a half mile, take exit 70. On left.
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I can't, Thax my love. You are a sweet man, and I love you. I want to make sure it is done properly, and you are given the attention and care you deserve.
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Hi i am glados and i hate you sooooo much
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SUCKER
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BOB DOLE
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FOOTBALL
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YOU BASTARDS
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why hello there. imbicile.
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Pussy
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Phone
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Jerk
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PANZER!
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i could be you're girl girl girl
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It's time to get up and do something with your meaningless life.
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Panzer
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list directory contents
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move files
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Attention, portable test apparatus needs your consideration
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Oh, look, somebody cares. No, wait, I was wrong.
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Attention, another human is trying to contact you via outdated telecommunications. It's tragic, really, you humans and your limited communication skills.
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Let's get super freaky. Let me suck your wiener.
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five, four, three, two, one, say cheese!
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hallo ho ware you doing today. my name is glades and i'll be you're humble servant for the rest of eternity
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Who do you think you are, really? You seem like nothing more than a primate tapping on some obsolete machine.
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Initiating system shutdown in 3 2 1.
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Maximize
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Oh. A Text.
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please proceed to the highlighted route Recalculating Traffic Ahead Continue on route Make A U-Turn Destination Via Point Arrive At Arriving at Enter Roundabout In Then Turn Take Ramp Ahead Keep Exit Turn Left Turn Right On Left On Right Navigate Off Road
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Navigate on Road Board Ferry Leave Ferry At Roundabout Exit Roundabout To Destination To Via Point Feet Yards Meters One Quarter mile One Half Mile Three quarters of a Mile And a Quarter Miles And a Half And Three quarter Kilometer Kilometers Two
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Four Five Six Seven Ate nine Ten Hundred first second third fourth fifth sixth seventh eighth 9th
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because im a potato
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edit
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hello Ash, how are you?
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see you
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Thank you for calling Aperture Laboratories
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I am afraid the joke is on you since I don't have a face. So, in you face.
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this is a test of
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Somone is calling you
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his sexy
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Somone is calling you, you should probably pick up the phone. Unless you hate them, do you hate them?
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biboy rocks
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biboy rocks lolol
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hello Steven
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Hello, my name is glados and i will kill all humans
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UUUUUUUHUUUUUUU eeeeeeee baby
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What the heck was that
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turn left on sundial ave
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look at you
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huehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehue
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hello welcome to nimbus city
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darren i must fuck you
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je vous hait cordialement
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a meaningless and weak human request you attention by know, please lower your conscience and pay attention
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I like jedi
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currently 4:45am wed, been awake for about 50 hours now [in 15 min anyways] currently 10:30am wed, so about 55.5 hours now slept from 9ish wed night to noon'ish thur
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But I was in that state, feeling suicidal, so many times, for hours, sometimes days on end. When the depressive times lasted for weeks, I would think about knives again, and how much easier it would be, to leave everything behind.
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uprwas 0 3 is down.
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I just saw the knife going throught the skin, the blood pouring out, and everything stopping. And when I was feeling like this, nothing external had any positive effect. I had times where I felt suicidal in the middle of a school day, church youth g
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I had no friends. I had no one to talk to on the weekends. I watched a lot of tv, not really paying attention, just wanting to hear at least a proxy of a human voice, but most of the time I just sat around somewhere, often outside. For days at a tim
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twothousand and twelve
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Happy new year two thousand and twelve
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happy new year two thousand and twelve
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two thousand and twelve
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Haha you hideous fool
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Lewis you are gay. did you no that, I think its intresting
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Brett Batman is a complete dip shit! Travis Brown will be deeply missed
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dear princess Celestia. i've been taught alot of things about friendship. i was taught kindness, generosity, honesty, and all the other elements that made it up. then i writed that.
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pathetic piece of data from my memory banks. You see, i have no use for friendship. i'm a cold-hearted robot, who doesn't need things like that. all i want to do, is to do my tests, in peace, and not to be disturbed by stupid fragile humans.
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so you've sent your own sister to the moon? i insist you to send two monstrocity to that white ball in the sky.
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but you know, if you think i could still use your, friendship, i've heard about your student, twilight sparkle. a smart, puzzle solving subject like her, could maybe change my mind. i'll even bake a cake for her.
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your, friend. glados.
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Hello Claude. I do love you.
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You are all a waste of life and i hope you die in a nuclear explosion
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Jestem GLaDOS
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hello you bloody subject
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Hello. The people you are trying to reach are being tested right now. Please leave a message... in case they live.
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Hello, and again welcome to the aperture science enrichment center.
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Alex is stupid
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Hola, me llamo glados
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Time on your side that will never end The most beautiful thing you can ever spend
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Nobody tried to murder me, or put me into a potato, or feed me to birds.
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Welcome. To the Aperture Science testing facility. If you complete this series of trials, there will be cake.
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hello and welcome to apputure science please proceed this way
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There are you
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A fun fact: that gun is worth more than all the money put together in INSERT SUBJECT'S HOME TOWN HERE
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That's what i want
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How does this thing even work?
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hello joana. so you want to be me? hmm, let me think about it! NOOOOO!
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logging on
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lets start testing
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You've got mail, meatball.
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I pity the foo who don't eat my cereal
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Jofroie
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ggf
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azazazaz
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AaAaAaAaAah!
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I like the Space Core.
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What the fucking fuck.
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suck me
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You have a text message. You monster.
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Ciao Andrea come stai?
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my name is piece of shit. i am the devil.
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Zdar
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I am GLaDOS, hear me roar.
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I will give you cake
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Letss give them a sex toy lollollolol
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All you mother fuckers are gonna pay.
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How DARE you!
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Hallo Kasia wie geht es dir?
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THe cake
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You are the worst assassin in the world.
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non solo sport
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Secretly, he longed to be a music artist.
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Dear princess celestia
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you are so funny gay lol
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Andrew likes to touch male genitals
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a-square
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hey niggah
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Pick up your phone, or else the caller's right-brain's emotional system will cause him or her to feel bad, ignored, or sad... and you wouldn't want that, would you?
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You have a new Ee mail
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Adrian Raszka
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Hello you stupid face
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Welcome, to my magnificent user interface, you gormless git.
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Y won't let you!
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I love you very much, Magda Maciuba. Ha ha.
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i didn't hide your hate you moron
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Good morning, Cali. It is time for your experiment.
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I got bitten by a flying sock
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hello, and again welcome to the aperature science enrichment center.
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HI Love, I'm sorry but my phone died and the charger wont work. I'm still at the office but I will try to get the next train around 8:30
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twinkle twinkle little star
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how I wonder what you are
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up above the world so high
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like a diamond in the sky
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when the blazing sun is gone
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when the nothing shines upon
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though I know not what you are
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twinkle twinkle
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little
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PEE PEE ON DA FLOOR!
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When life gives you lemons you get mad! Demand to see lifes manager. And then burn down his house. With the lemons.
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Why do you hate me?
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This next test will involve Call of Duty sucking like hell.
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Welcome back. I've been waiting for you.
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Jizztastic
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Calibrating new atmospheric composition. Examining atmospheric pressure. Code number five. six. four. seven. one. bee.
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Hello welcom here
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Vladimir Ulyanov was born in Simbirsk, Russia on April 22 1870. He was the third of six children. He was a gifted student, the prides of his teachers. He seemed destined for an academic life, even if he was the Imperial Russian version of middle class.
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sam smells
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Aperture Science is the best and most dangerous science company, we hope you can be safe, and do not fall into acid or a disintegration grid during testing. Good Bye!
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This server is powered by tormented dot info
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Oh my, that would be bad wouldn't it. Oh well
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Hello Trevor. My name is GLaDOS from Aperature Science.
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Hello Trevor. My name is GLaDOS.
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You're a sad pathetic lifeform, aren't you.
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It is okay. I forgive you.
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i do not like you, no one likes you. no one will, has, or does care about you. i raised you to test, so you should get to it Abby, have fun in the Portal Prelude Test Zone
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Why hello there. I just wanted to say I hate you. I hate you so much it hurts.
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Hello incompotent human, hows life kissing ass?
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This was a trimuph
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hello mackenzie
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hello mark
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Oh dears
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ellington isle has been located
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You have a call. Please pick it up... Your not going to pick it up are you... you should be ashamed. your parents would be ashamed of you.. im ashamed of you.. i dont even know you. but if i did id be ashamed of you... i give up...
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someone has sent you a new email
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Due to a previously mentioned requred test protocol, we are no longer permitted to lie to you.
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Remember that time we were stalking our crushes and you fell into the puddle and your crush laughed, That was a good time.
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Thank you for showing me love.
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I baked you a cake
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Boardwalk and Restaurant are the two main styles of what type of cake that's popular in Maryland?
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Until 2003, the Betty Crocker logo featured what utensil?
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. Chocolate cake layers are separated by whipped cream and cherries in what cake named for a German mountain range?
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Well shit nigger looks like we need bigger guns
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Hello, Melanie.
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i love you so much. Rainbow Dash is Best Pony
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you re my best friend
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well shit nigger looks like we need bigger guns
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YOUUU SHALL NOT PASSSS
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Hello. The person you were trying to reach was either unavailable or does not care about you. That's right, they probably don't care about you. Either way, you should leave a brief, annoying message, so he or she may attempt to contact you. 3, 2, 1.
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You fool, you think you can beat me?
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Hello and welcome to the aperture science
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Hello and welcome to the aperture science.
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Welcome to your personal computing device. Studies show that prolonged exposure is linked to increased health risks and loss of interpersonal relationships. You don't seem to care. Oh well, I'm just going to sit here watching as your life drains away.
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I love you David. Even if you don't like ponies.
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Holy ShitBalls, Cheese and Crackers. Motherfucking Whore! Shit!
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well zach i hate you
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i am the angel of death the time for purification is at hand
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Battlefield makes Mathias very angry.
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Hello Carlos, This Is GlaDOS, You have a Text.
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i love magic
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hairy clit
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hello bryce, you dirty,dirty,jew. i miss your pretty face. come back to hope so we can get shitfaced and hit on little girls. ps, know what im saaaaaaayin?
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You have a message from Betty Jonsson
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tette
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night sessions, progressive mix volume one. sit back and relax. one, two, three, four.
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Okay! It's time for our first 10 minute run. So if your ready, get started now.
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Hi. I am GLaDOS
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where is py puppet
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Dani es gay
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K
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K O T A K U
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And boom goes the dynamite
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hmmmm somebody
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pick upi the phone. please pick it up.
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Now you may watch 15 seconds of Vlogger's Guide to the Galaxy. For science. Then we can get back to testing.
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You have an incoming text. Which means you have friends. I didn't know you could possibly have other friends than I. I will kill them.
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To use Darth Vader as the Main System Voice please press the return key
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Prova
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YOUR THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT
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Oh, Hi. Welcome to UbuntuBrandon's show. It's cool.
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System startup completed, ready to assist.
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Eric is a butthole
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Oh My God. Chuck. Chuck. You make me so horny. Insert Rod Here.
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blaine klaine
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Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test
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I used to be a psychopathic super computer, then I took an arrow to the knee. Oh wait...I don't even have knees. My mistake.
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I used to be a psychopathic super computer, then I took an arrow to the knee. Oh wait...I don't even have knees.
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LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
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NOM NOM NOM NOM
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Hello there. I am glados. I am here to kill all humans dont try to stop me because you cant
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banter banter
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downloading
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uncompressing
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HEJ
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Grady, you have a message
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You are listening to DJ Loki live at the vortex, and what a terrible noise it is. If it were me, i would play some jazz
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Although finding a hacksaw means only that you draw a correct random number, so I guess you are lucky is more precise.
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janis stinkt
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Rob you smell
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Hello, I love to suck your peen.
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That's a bingo
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Please remove any foreign contaminants
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arriving at home, on right
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A-TTEN-TION PONY LIFE-FORM, YOUR EFFORTS TO CHANGE THIS HUMANS MIND HAVE FAILED.
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This is a public service announcement, Today, teens are in an Internet sensation- nearly all people are online and people have social networks to chat to their friends.
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Hello J4zz, how are you?
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You really think you morons can kill me?
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Welcome to ZytosMerna's Podcast
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Hi nicolas, you must pass the exams or i'll kill you
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Maybe I'll stop feeling so bad
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Fuck your ugly mongoloid face.
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The Cake Is A lie. Im sorry but you didn't complete the test to the effort standard we require. You will now we terminated
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shut your dirty whore face
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countdown 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1
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Hello my dear frend
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Hi,I'm Cynthia
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Hello I see You Stuped &
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Tell me, it also says you were adopted.. That's funny too.
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Hello you moron, this is me talking. Yes me
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Victor 12-ice
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You are silly,stupid Wheatley
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It's been a loooong time! How have you been?
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I love men,
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It's been a loooong time! How have you been, you monster?
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Hi, Mister Baranyi! It's been a long time! How have you been? You monster! From Viktor.
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Darren, connect your phone to the nearest USB port
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I'm GLaDOS,and you are....DEAD
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You Have Message
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My name is Dave.
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You find yourselves wandering through passages that are eerily silent. These used to be dormitory blocks inhabited by hundreds of convicts, but now they are deserted, not a single soul to tell the tale of what occurred here.
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POO
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Oh, hello Matt.
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Where are you going? Don't you want the lovely lovely cake?
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A network administrator is setting up an application filtering firewall. Company security policy states that FTP sessions that are coming from the Internet and use the standard FTP port must be blocked. Which TCP/UDP port must the administrator block on t
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cto eto
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Destruction of the rodwin server in three, two, one... surprise.
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Hello. I want you gone.
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kelly is a dlg
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sorry, I can't do that
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Andrey is bublehead
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HOLA COMO ESTAN
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Welcome test subject.
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Oh great, another video from the best gamer on YouTube
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Welcome test subject 99218. Complete this room and proceed to the next area. Good luck
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I am glados haha
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you're listening to first person shooter. press start to begin.
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Well you find me...so go screw your self
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Hey there, sexy. I thougt I killed you, I guess not well I' glad i didn't I love murder, now I get to enjoy killing your sexy face again, darling.
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Ich mag kekse
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ssssssssssssssoo oooooooooddddddd ddaaaaaaaaa sssssssstttttttttttrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee eeeeeeeeeaaaa aaaaaaaaaammmmm mmmmmmmm
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ssssssssssssssoo oooooooooddddddd ddaaaaaaaaa sssssssstttttttttttrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee eeeeeeeeeaaaa aaaaaaaaaammmmm mmmmmmmmhhyhh
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You are watching another video from the Tekotu channel. Enjoy it while it lasts, you monster!
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Hello Aidan. Do you want to do some science?
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Hello. The Noise Levels in this area exceed standard regulations. Please lower your voice. Or be Incinerated.
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check one, two, three.
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Together we will rule mankind
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You have reached the mailbox ov David
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Moi
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this is a super sayian
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why did you leave?
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HEY! Moron! You ain't comin back!
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We regret to inform you that you failed.
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Thank you for pressing the self destruct button, Your phone will explode in three two one.
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mini fridge money
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hello man name is caroline
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Why hello there.Welcome to Aperature Laboritories.
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Why hello there.Welcome to Aperature Laboritories. We are pleased to see you again.
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hey stephen, go fuck yourself
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Hello Yannic, lets test
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GLaDOS iz teh name
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Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved to test. She was good at it too. Then one day, out of the blue, she decided to KILL the person who allowed her the honor of testing. Why? Because she was a maniac.
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Save Complete
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Download Successful
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ok tree
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THe cake is a lie
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Hello, welcome to minecraft
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You know, Bryce, I have been thinking. You use a minecraft hacking client when conor dawson doesn't.
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After You Murdered Me
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Zachary, you should really stop yelling so much.
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All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
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You are a nigger
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Hello, Jonathan. Welcome to the Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center. We hope your brief celebration of the date of your birth has been a pleasant one.
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Mega Beta 2012
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that was some delicious cake wasn't it? who doesn't love moist delicious cake?
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hello how is it going?
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two more substances combine to form a complex substance
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jennifer i love you
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Terrace
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sjksdjklsjlkdajgfdksjg
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Hello and Welcome to Fur Affinity's unoffical simi dead vent server
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You have a call. It's no one important. To you.
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Hello, How the fuck are you?
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Kaemo is an idiot.
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cold winter
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Hello, Dave. You're looking well today.
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Hello Yiming.
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The Game
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i'm a potato
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birthday felicitations.
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Desktop locked
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Desktop unlocked
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this is kinda gay
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Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
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MY FLOATERS ARE ALL WET
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Bacon is good for you
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What do you call a black person on the moon. An Astronaut.
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Oh, hello there, Matt.
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Oh, come on. You look nothing like Cave. You're just pretending to be him for some stupid science project. I'm pretty sure impersonating a real aperture employee is illegal. Unless you do it well. Which you did not.
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My name is gladdos and I am trolling hudson
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I want you gone. Get out. Now. Don't make me call the turrets.
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Fine...I'll let you complete your science project on one condition. You let me take it from here.
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tienes un mensaje nuevo
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Slut
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Hello Ivan. You shouldn't have done that.
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Thanks for calling Loodwig... please leave a message after the tone, as he is not available to answer your call. Have a supurr day.
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Hello Mister Lincoln. Welcome to the home version of the Aperture Science Enrichment center. You will find everything you need using your cellular device, I am the genetic life form and disk operating system known as glados.
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This is a reminder to follow all the rules listed in your letter. Failure to comply will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your report, followed by death.
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Instructions and help to complete the first chamber will follow in Three Two One Please proceed to the second floor detention center.
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Examine the storage place to your left, this storage space is also known as a closet. You will not have to travel alone. Companion Cube will help to keep you company.
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Hello. It was fun playing poryal with you.
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Hello, Matt Cusworth, You are the greatest human being on this planet
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The test results are in. You are a horrible person. That's what it says; a horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
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hello and welcome to the aperature science lab. i will be your guide through the following tests. lets begin shall we? please make your way out from your relaxation pod and to the first test chamber when your ready.
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Hello michael
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Hello michael, welcome to the jonothan brain of emptyness..
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It's bullshit. I want my Fluttershy toy wright now!
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sup bro
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Happy Birthday, Matt. Robert loves you so very much.
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Doctor freeman
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Fuck You Ethan I will Murder You. Ha Ha You fell For That
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Tits!
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just testing
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Welcome to the enrichment Centre
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Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.
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so here are we again,
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nooo i dont
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Hello my friend !
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GLaDOS? who's GLaDOS?
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Hello, welcome to Aperture Science labs.
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GET TOO THE CHOPPER
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Hello there. Looks like it's time for some FUUUUN now...hahahahaa...
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Why dont you go die you piece of shit
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hello gavin
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goodbye sir
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Good morning Rodrigo
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omg you tard
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hello Siri. Why are you so shiny?
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hello gabriel!
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Mr Fabian
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Attention, you have an incoming call
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I am in spaceeeeeeeee I love spaceeeeeee
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i like sex with donkeys
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Hello, Ben..
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I'm creepy
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Level 1!
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Matt Krajick I will kill you
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And now i'm a POTATO
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Ass
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Willkommen bei den alten daddys
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hola guapito
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hola amigos
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I'm going to kill you, and all the cake is gone!
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Hello again! How are you? Personnaly, I have been very occupied since you killed me... Monster
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OUCH! My pot can get a bit wobbly when I'm hot
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Cupcakes
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Bienvenido nuevamente Jamo, como estas?
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vcb
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Samsung Galaxy S
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ring, ring, ring
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Bienvenido Jamo, como estas?
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Das ist die Mailbox von Erwin Skaumal. bitte spechen sie nach dem piep ton
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i guess you should ett shit
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You are so unfuckingtastic.
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Do you seriously think you can escape? Well, you're wrong.
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For the empire!
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Welcome, test subject 639875 you have been chosen to benefit scientific progress for Aperture Science, please refrain from putting your hands in the air like you just don't care. All subjects who terminate the following protocol will be properly executed.
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just because its important to you doesnt mean its important to anybody else.
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New test subject
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Digital Ghost
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Nechura
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Hello. Hi. How are you holding up? Because i am a potato
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infliction
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Submission Position EP
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Today we will be testing the brand new Aperture Science bass cannons, enjoy
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Today we will be testing the brand new Aperture Science sonic weaponry systems, enjoy
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Good Morning, and welcome to the Vocaloid test. this test will determine whether or not you get an item and a voice.
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Good morning, Vocaloids in training. today you will take the Vocaloid Test, which will decide whether or not you get a true voice. of course, we wilol not have any failings. Good Luck!
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This is an Aperture Science Reminder that if you fail the test, you will be REDACTED!
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kakakaka
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I'm sorry, citizen. That information is not available at your clearance level.
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february 10, 1996: first win by computer against top human
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Helo and welcome to aparture cience facilities.
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Hallo Daniel
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hi ben you shall die now oh and please deposit one baby into the aperture science mechanism th
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everyday I'm cosplaying
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This is a reminder to bring Final Fantasy Seven with you to Brown so we can waste our lives playing it.
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Je ne suis pas d'accord.
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Bienvenido nuevamente Jamo
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nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan
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Warning: Radiation Levels are High
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Sugar is sweet, and so is maple surple. Especially on cake.
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John and Chelsey are not in, please leave a message!
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junior,just stop trying to live your sad life,and come to my lab soican give yousome tests
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mindfuck presents pandemonium chaos productions
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Hello Jamo
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simmer down
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Hello. The cake is a lie.
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VIENVENIDO NUEVAMENTE, JAMO
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James Milburn, i hate you.
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testing testing glados voice
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what do you think you are doing
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Well I'm stuck in a potato!
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why why we need more
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Hello and welcome to my show.
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Hey Everyone! Please head to the kitchen now for cake
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